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My dream funeral would include me bring buried, wrapped in the confederate flag. Can't get more patriotic than that. 
Marijuana causes procrastination ,I'm convinced of it .
You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.
The good news regarding climate change: It'll eventually kiII off the Winter Olympics.
I wonder if taking folders from the White House, marked "top secret" and hiding them at your home is a bad thing?
2 for the price of 1 "Your the only one for me" Valentine day cards just seems wrong, all wrong.
The Gazpacho Police sounds tasty.
Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their stuff...
Rumor has it that the staff at Mar-a-Lago caught Melania trying to flush her prenup down the toilet too.
When you can't defend, dodge. When you can't dodge, deny. When you can't deny, deflect. When you can't deflect, distort. When you can't distort, dissemble. When you can't dissemble, distract. When none of that works, change the subject.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
People are dying with Covid not from Covid. Two different things...
Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.
So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?
You can't fix stupid, but the red hats sure makes it easy to identify. 