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Me: Here you go officer. Cop: This is a notecard with “License thingie” written on it in red crayon. Me: I have one in blue if you prefer. 
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Seeing a unicorn would be incredible and all, until you realize a wild animal with a spike on its head tends to enjoy spearing things to death.
people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long
By ignoring me, you have just made yourself a powerful stalker!
Girls with big boobs never have to worry about having spinach stuck in their teeth.
For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite
Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.
Nothing says "Virgin" like having a score of above a million on temple run.
I’m one of the 6 black guys in the world who has never slept with a Kardashian. :(
If this weekend were any shorter it would be called a Kim Kardashian marriage.
Sometimes when you’re about to say you’re against abortion you hear a Justin Bieber song and you hold that thought.
If people fall in love with you too late, don't accept that love; Its after effects are annoying. It means there are some hidden problems with you or with that person.
Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?
Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.
Definition: Brain - Your body's hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Browsers announce they have blocked pop up messages like they expect a congratulatory blow job after.
Saw a man with a phone in a holster strapped to his belt, he did not admit I'm quite sure he's from the Old testament part of the bible. 