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I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die. 
I spit on a hotdog before eating it. I think I need to cut back on the por n.
Silence is only golden when the person you really want to shut up does it.
Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself hot girl.
Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.
Ladies, let me save you your annual Cosmo subscription fee: 1. Let him go out with the boys 2. Sex him up 3. Make him a sandwich Repeat.
Im not dead I'm just resting my eyes in this shallow ditch.
Tell her something she’s never heard before…like the truth.
Then god said: how can I make men act stupid?...then he created women.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.
I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My superpower is common decency.
The biggest problem I have with women is that they are not Megan Fox.
I hope your couch pulls out cause I don't!
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man whose been single longer than 6 months.
That ackward moment when I'm no longer drunk and you're still a goat.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.
Boy nothing says band wagon than Harlem Shake.
The President's claim that the economy is improving, and the news that "Girls Gone Wild" has filed for bankruptcy seem to fly in the face of compatibility. 