Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first? 
Please be rude to your waitstaff because spit and pubes taste delicious when sprinkled on your food.
"That's not what I meant" - people who meant it that way but realized they're wrong
How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?
A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.
Drink like you're not on medication.
Blood is thicker than water but chocolate is thicker than both of them.
This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room
Hell hath no fury like a woman who's status you did not like...
my buddy asked to borrow my phone. I gave it to him and said "check out that ball scratcher app I downloaded!"
This "doing nothing" lark is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I'm done? :(
my signature move is to get her too tangled up in the sheets to escape.
I was at the bank machine the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her.
Chosing the new pope process; exposing to the world just how dumb Roman Catholic are.
Hold boobs not grudges.
I never met a donut with a lifespan of more than five seconds.
Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.
Our baby woke up in the other room while my wife and I were having sex. Great, now I get to hear two people cry.
Jesus is lord. Strangely enough he's also my coke dealer and gardener.
83% of the dialogue in my relationship consists of "Where's the cat?". 