Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I am confident but not 'propose to my girlfriend of 2 months live on TV' confident. 
Did you hear the bad news about about Lil Wayne? He's ok.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Enjoying a Harlem shamrock shake
My neighbor complained I was playing Bruce Hornsby too loud. I told him, That's just the way it is.
and the winner of the best Harlem Shake.......Lil Wayne!
Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!
Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.
Dear Kids, go to College…it’s the only time it’s acceptable to be drunk and poor.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Okay so, last Sunday we all lost an hour. This Sunday, we should all watch NASCAR and lose four.
Lil Wayne.... Yeah.... Gonna miss ya. Too bad you can't take Bieber with you. Drugs are bad.... Mmmmkay.
These celebrity deaths happen in threes.... First Lil Wayne.... And we got Obama and Biden flying out of the country on Tuesday..... Cross your fingers guys.
Waiting for Kanye to jump into the ICU and tell Lil Wayne that his death is tragic.... But Tupac had the best rap death of all time.
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again. 