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You know your phone is old, when you have Myspace as a default application. 
What did the Peanut say to the Walnut? I'll cashew later.
Where would you like me to stick it. The Yapper,,, the Crapper,,,,,or the Flapper!?
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you're one of them
It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.
I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect
When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? Asking for a friend....
I facebook the way I cook; I can, but I don't.
think comcast went back to dial up today...... just saying
I'm the one who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being. An my name is Dan.
If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.
If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.
I dont make love, I slam women like a fridge door with no beer in it.
FBI released photos of the suspects in the Boston bombing today. I hope a good American that knows them will report where tthey can pick up their corpses.
I stopped talking back to the voices in my head, and now they’ve started texting me…
How to make a woman go mmmmmmm all nite long? …………………….. with Duct Tape
Could I please get the name of the girl who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law. 