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NO, I'm not drinking alone. I'm here with all of my Facebook friends! That counts.....Yes it does!! 
I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!
You know it's good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.
Shooting pool and darts are just sports for alcoholics.
Microsoft really can't count. Windows 95, 98, 2000, 7. Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox 1.
hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.
I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.
I have so few friends that I think I just gave myself an intervention.
There are a few people I'd like to go to bed with but I can't think of a single person I'd like to wake up with. Too honest?
In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.
Scientists have predicted that the human race will be no more in 10,000 years. All I think is that with what happened this afternoon in Woolwich - good!
i wish that I had jessie's girl...=(
your outfit makes you look like a stripper. A high end stripper for governors and athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.
What the world needs now...is more toilet paper...because there is just too much bullsh*t floating around.
Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time...Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!
What girls age 18-22 lack in personality and sexual skills, they more than make up for by being incredibly gullible and naive.
She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. 