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Hey beautiful. Wanna join me in the shower? Bring your friend too. - me, talking to the beers in my fridge 
Ironically, my sugar daddy has diabetes.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Wait, there's a "wrong hole"?
My fridge is so full of beer I'm going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
it still considered a fart if there's debris?
Ours was love at first fight.
Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?
Your whoroscope says you're gonna get "the herpes"
Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.
Don't tell me about struggle! I have to eat my M&M'S without peanuts.
Why is it whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?
Lil wayne looks like a monkey that went into a Tattoo parlor ate the folders of pictures of tattoos and then shat ir out
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I actually Luke autocorrect
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
If your girlfriend doesn’t like that bi&ch, you don’t talk to that bi&ch.
I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
That moment when you realize you can’t ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you’ve read it. 