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Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals. 
I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.
I swear some girls with big asses think they can get away with murder. You have a huge bass because your face is a car wreck, please behave yourself
I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had
Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.
There's no I in 'meat' but there's ME & EAT....I don't know how vegetarians get past that. Time to BbQ.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
You women are beautiful creatures I love you all , but by god you scare the sh*t out of me with the way you feed on souls and happiness.
Let me win your love so I can earn your hatred.
Home is where the alcohol is.
Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.
I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.
Woman is a question too difficult for men.
My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy.
Make sure you love each other for your pleasant personalities coz when the looks are gone its what you will have to live with for the rest of your lives.
"Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."
Lampposts and hydrants are basically Facebook for dogs.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button. 