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A vegetarian that is for the death peanilty.....................wait what? 
I’m not addicted to coffee… we’re just in a committed relationship.
What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.
So many vain and self-aggrandizing narcissists on Facebook giving themselves compliments about how beautiful, slim and rich they are. Real beautiful people are humble and wait to be complimented by other people.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness
why do rapppers ask us to make some noise? You are the one with the band and the microphone
My first cup of coffee is enjoyed with silence, thank you for understanding.
ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram
Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?
Marriage, because your suffering doesnt have to end at work.
Last night was so romantic ...that she didn't even press charges.
The single ladies and cats joke below is proof that B EGO is the a d m I n and steals stuff we p 0st and claim it as his own.
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look i'm changing
"I'd hit that" - Asians driving
at work, we call the boss Blister because he doesn't show until after the work's done...
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you
Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”
The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage. 