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HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late 
Got high and let my dog drive us up to Taco Bell. Now he's argueing with the officer that the traffic light wasn't red but gray.
Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.
Theres nothing worse than when someone starts ignoring you before you've had the chance to disappoint them sexually.
People who get out of bed the first time the alarm rings. What's it like to be a demon?
UNUSUAL TRUE FACTS: Every year, four people die trying to put their pants on.
Don't forget it's Throwback Thursday. If they're not loving and treating you right, throw'em back into the sea!
Imma have my own restaurant called Bacon On It....making foods you love with dun dun dun Bacon on it
Prince William revealed today that he changed his first diaper. Unfortunately, it was Queen Elizabeth’s.
I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know, hunting elephants.'
Life is no longer a box of chocolates, I ate them all.
Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world
yes, I have made mistakes, but last time I checked, life didn't come with instructions!
who knew a politician named wiener could get into so much trouble?
just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die
Breaking: Kiss renames their hit song to "Detroit Broke City'.
The Royal baby has been named 'George'...Zippy and Bungle are mortified!
A Fan Jumped on Stage and Pulls Beyonce Hair while she was Singing ? That's Messed up..
I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him !!
I'm sorry Will and Kate...but every baby born is a prince or princess 