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Some people should be very grateful I don't have mob connections. 
in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...
If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask you to set it as your default browser, don’t tell me that you don’t have the guts to ask her out.
Maybe we should all get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.
I really wish my eyes could take photos.
I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.
By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.
Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.
Wow, I thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you’re a “waiter" and you’re just “doing your job"
I could be nice... but I hear the operation is expensive.
I hope they have strippers at my funeral.
If today drags anymore, it's going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
NEVER mix internet p0rn and mountain dew. Trust me on this one
I'll be doing my Facebook posts telepathically today, so if you think of something funny that was me.
How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
If anyone needs to get a clue, I have an extra one in my desk.
Your perception of me is a reflection of you.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes. 