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All I want is someone who knows where all my stuff is when I am missing it. 
The black iPhone is better at stealing WiFi.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My coke dealer has a habit of putting his business in my nose.
If you love someone, make them guess how you feel about them until they get tired and move on to someone else.
Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.
WAIT BEYONCE MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT
BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
*whispers to the Internet*............. "Look what you did."
Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.
When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.
Why don’t blind people like to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How do they know when they are getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.
I was way off. Turns out the movie Aliens vs. Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.
They can probably ditch the "Insane" part, as it's pretty much implied in the concept of a posse made entirely of clowns.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
It’s impossible to say "I wasn’t talking to you" politely.
Tony Romo tried to throw a celebration party but it got intercepted.
This government shutdown is not as complete or thorough as some might expect. NPR, C-Span, PBS, CNN and MSNBC are still on...
Maybe we should let Sandusky loose on Congress 