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I met this woman at the club tonight. Well she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and parrelled parked on the very first try that l thought hold on a minute here! 
A recent CNN poll shows that 53% of Americans don't believe Obama to be honest or trustworthy. The other 47% of Americans weren't polled.
Spilled a my redbull on my phone this morning, now my phone wont come out of airplane mode
Roses are red Violets are blue Give me your purse This is a robbery
I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.
First rule of Vegan Club... Tell everyone.
When the stalker becomes the stalked.
Just thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.
Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off
Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.
President Obama is the worst thing that has happened to Amerca
Not judging at all, but if you have a mullet in your commercial, you might want to update your advertising.
Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?
Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that happened to America!!
the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it
The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...
If you ask your new GF for a sandwich and she brings you Oreos, she's a keeper!!
My wife has yet to figure out the correlation between her excessive conditioner usage and my super soft weiner…
and the most popular girl at a nudist colony is the one that can eat the last doghnut!
its national fart on your kid day 