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At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? 'Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.' And your strengths? 'I'm Superwoman!' 
Just got her first early Christmas present. A sweater!.. All she really wanted was a moaner or a sceamer.
Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
My friend has just started his own business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently, prophets are going through the roof.
richey rich needs to loan our country some money
You know you're getting old when the hot girls you slept with in high school post fat grandma pictures....
I had a choice tonight to either watch the Redskins lose on Monday Night Football or clean the toilets in my house. Since I didn't feel like throwing up this evening I'm cleaning house
R.I.P Brian Griffin. Family GUy won'y be the same without you...
I'm very confused. I just saw a commercial asking for food donations to feed the poor on a tv show where a guy eats a 5 lb buritto...
Q: What do you call that ugly blob of flesh around Miley Cyrus's navel? A: Miley Cyrus.
I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**
What temperature does Miley boil at??
Age isnt a number clearly its a word
I'm pretty sure I just saw a tube clip of Miley Cyrus online. I'm not talking about Youtube either.
What happened o the NFL? It used to be the greatest game. Now every receiver that goes out for a pass and is breathed on starts waving his hands for a flag like a big cry baby....this game is falling apart just like this country
Getting ready for Black Friday. This grizzly bear costume is going to scare the Sh*# out of these Best Buy campers.
Why are we wasting valuable space on Miley Cyrus?
There is method in my madness and madness in my method.
What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?
Mental note at work - never be the first one to laugh at your fat 0ass boss when she is asked, "what kind of food she likes", and when she says 'seafood'!.... Everyone eventual gets the jokke! 