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Women love being cuddled while they sleep, except for when they don't know who you are, apparently. 
My girlfriend told me that I need to be more ambitious and innovative.Now I have two girlfriends.
"Dude, she just called you a stalker." "Oh hell no, hold my binoculars."
The person who wrote this, is an idi@t. "The @ dmin must put an end to boring p osts before boring p osts put an end to this joint. "
Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.
If you add all the distance I've run from my car to the liquor store as its about to close then yes, I have run a marathon.
What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing.
I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.
I don’t tell my wife anything. I don’t confide in her. I don’t trust anybody. I just treat her like an acquaintance.
The best part about being a M uslim girl is how you don’t have to wait for Halloween to wear your ninja costume.
Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really
I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'
It's not cellulite, it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" ...in braille.
If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one
Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?
dreamt she was a muffler last night.... and woke up totally exhausted.
has just realized that if you change the word 'wand' to 'wang' in the Harry Potter books... they suddenly become a lot more amusing.
My anti-aging face cream gave me acne... No need to go that young, L'Oreal!
I remember how it felt soooo good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time. 