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Dear Santa, Please get Apple to replace Siri with Channing Tatum 
I make my coffee so strong it wakes the neighbors up....
Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.
Thanksgiving is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.
So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?
Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.
I may not regularly keep in touch with my friends and loved ones, but I always keep an eye on my enemies.
Evidence from Social Media Usage shows that the number of idiots on earth is going to surpass the number of normal people by the year 2015.
To shop the best on "Black Friday" it is easier to throw stink bombs by large crowds to get them to clear the area.
I wonder if George Zimmerman went Back Friday shopping
Suddenly I think I know how an Oreo Double Stuff cookie feels.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
on a positive note, I got the results of my drug test back today
If watching the big-screen TV with a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy...
the number of tattoos & piercings a person has is directly related to how quickly they get bored
Express lanes should have signs banning old people and people paying with food stamps. 