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It seems like the winters have gotten colder since Al Gore stopped blowing hot air about global warming. Coincidence? I think not. 
You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.
Wine her, dine her, sixty-nine her.
Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
I came, I saw, I screamed "How the hell do I get out of here?"
Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.
I will fake love and take full advantage of you .
Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.
It's sofa king cold today!!
there's a method to my madness.. just a madman with no method..
You can judge me, but you can't change me.
The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!
Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Whenever I think of you, I touch myself. That is, I rub my forehead because you give me a f**king migraine.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body....
I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.
This Polar Vortex sounds a lot like my ex-wife. 