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You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor. 
I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
You can make my whole day just by not being part of it ..
I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.
It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids
Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.
Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!
I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.
I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
I can make your day better just by not being part of it
I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.
If the lion wasn't a coward and the Scarecrow had a brain, they would have warned the Tinman that he was better off without a heart.
You say its none of your business how someone chose to live their life hey? So its cool with you if I just decide to walk around without pants in public? 