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I need to make some new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me! 
Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.
The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems
happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!
Why does Ellen DeGeneres like dressing like Mr. Rogers?
Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.
I'm a lyrical gangster. Or I've had too many margaritas.
Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.
hey look at you with your beady little eyes that are way too close together *BLOCKED*
I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
When you're dead, it's really, really, easy for you.....I mean you don't know,,,,it's just hard on others...same thing when you're stupid....
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.
My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.
Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention
I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best 