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"A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!" 
"Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain!" - Religion
I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can't dance.
85% of men don't understand Women & the balance 15% suffer from short-term memory loss!
Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
There's no crying in Vodka
Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.
I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(
Her phone display is brighter than her future.
I really jacked-up my back today playing golf today, I fell off the ball washing machine
Drinking is the leading cause of hangovers
Whoever named rice cakes obviously doesn't know jack$hit about cake!!
Know when you're drying off after a shower and that last trickle of water runs down your asscrack? Well, welcome to my world...
You can't hang around trifling people, you will begin to think it's normal if you have nothing else to compare it to
Not sure if my doctor is a righty or a lefty but I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have had both on my shoulders during that prostate exam.
Watching looney tunes as a kid led me to believe acme rockets would be a much bigger part of my transportation needs when I grew up.... so disappointed.
'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'
Ladies, if you want a man to stop staring at your chest eat a banana.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone. 