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The passengers of flight 370 shouldn't trust Jacob... 
I don't care what President, beef jerky flavor, fruit, car, drink, beer, boat, pop tart, or actor I am supposed to be. I am me, that should be enough....
On a scale of P0rn hub to The Notebook, how romantic are you?
Ladies; If your cat dont like him he aint da one.
does getting a girlfriend mean I have to wear pants everyday because I'm not ready for that type of commitment
going to convince my neighbours that I've installed a sauna by going to my shed in a dressing gown...
I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.
Those who think they don't have a good face, should master Adobe Photoshop
To my future kids: You'll start off with a flip phone. Idgaf if the iPhone 15 is out by then, you're gonna know the struggle.
X says Well, it's easy to tell I'm single. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
playing Mario & entering the castle.... of course I got a girl on Friday night....forever alone
Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
for Lent I'm giving up relationships...oh, nevermind, they gave up on me already
When life gives you lemons, find a co-worker with a paper cut
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.
Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.
a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb
The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex. 