Vito Funny Status Messages

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   I just bumped into a guy wearing a camouflage jacket. I really didn't see him.

   Heading out to do laundry with a roll of quarters in my pocket. I hope I dont run into anyone I am happy to see.

   Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   Drinking Heinekin Light and Eating Fat Free Doritos. Gotta get ready for beach season!

   Every day is Fat Tuesday for me because I'm Fat =(

   Yo Mama is so fat! She uses an iPad as an iPhone.

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   I think I need to start doing pullups to get more of the ladies attention. Pull up in a Benz, Pull up in a Vette, Pull up in a Beamer....

   Help! My Chia Pet is sick and I'm not sure if I should bring it to the Vet or the Florist?

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes

   I wonder if the The Pillsbury Doughboy gets pissed if you poke him on Facebook?

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   just made pretend I was being chased by murderers to see how long it would take me to open the door if it was really happening...yeah I woulda died

   I got 99 problems but a red balloon ain't one.

   I get lonely sometimes so I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

   Forgot to take the fortune out of my fortune cookie out before I ate it. Now I wont know what my fortune is for about an hour or so.