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So Mimi is hanging from shower curtains trying to out do Kim Kardashian? 
This post is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I guess God can only do bad things to the earth when the earth passes between the sun and the moon.
I have a very clever way with words. You could say I'm a cunning linguist.
If you take god out of religion, it's just a bunch of people hoping their favorite football team wins.
"She's cute I swear, let me find a better picture." – Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.
People who tell you something then they say "nevermind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers.
Some people would make horrible serial killers because they wouldn't be able to resist the urge to take pics of their victims and murder scenes and post them on their FB and tagging people in it.
Sex so good you forget which species you are.
When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.
Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.
Blues Clues taught me that getting mail was fun and exciting, they sit on a thinking chair of lies
If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified
The stripper was getting tired of the same old thong and dance.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
A secret handshake will get you into the "Beyond" section of Bed Bath & Beyond. Includes videogames, beer & lightsabers. Ask for Steve.
How come we pay guys millions a year to toss a ball around, then when our teachers ask for a raise, we say they already make enough 