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Oh it's Cinco de Mayo....that's why I keep seeing cars with 22 people inside back through a red light with a traffic cam, family portraits!! 
James Bond's favorite bartender is Michael J Fox.
Today some celebrate Cinco de Mayo, but not me! ..Today I celebrate "International Overindulgence of Alcohol Day"! "May a Fifth be with you!"
Not to brag but Ive never had a one night stand ...they always come back for more
I bet you'd have less haters if you could make it through a day without talking about having haters.
My Beard wants to do cardio between your legs..
The lower middle-class is the new black
My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please
Loneliness is not getting your pets spayed or neutered so that you can have grandkids someday.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she's the one.
Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.
If more people carried guns the bad guys would get off fewer shots.
I'm gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional way by jumping over my neighbors wall and doing some landscaping for $2.50 an hour.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
My favorite religion is Skepticism.
Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.
Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line 