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I'm pretty sure my counting sheep are out parting with Mary's little lamb and Baa Baa Black Sheep............. 
This is the only way I know how to correctly usea semi-colon ;)
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.
I do dirty things when I'm home alone like the dishes, the laundry, all the housework,
Why are the people who are always demanding respect the ones who least deserve it?
Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.
Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.
Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pri.ck
The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way
I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.
I'm the life of the party after I pass out.
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy. 