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Any man who turns water into wine is a friend of mine. 
*Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO you MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE you KNOWN
[Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera*
Eats entire contents of kitchen while waiting for pizza delivery
I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare
911: What's your emergency? Me: I can't get out of a conversation 911: That's not- Me: HE'S A VEGAN ATHEIST! 911: Dispatching SWAT now, Sir.
vergetarians, I ask this: when you see a spider on the kitchen floor, do you 1). step on it or 2). take it to the SPCA to be "saved"?
Inspire someone to leave the house, by setting it on fire.
My field of dreams is just a fully stocked liquor store.
Pretty sure I'll pet an owl before I have sex again.
If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I learned how to kiss from watching my dog drink from the garden hose.
Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.
If you drink enough alcohol, stairs become an extreme sport.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Behind every husband is a wife, saying "You're gonna wear that?", "Did you do those things yet?", "Are we lost?", "Are you listening to me?"
it a natural defense mechanism for men to watch TV with a hand down their pants? In case we kick you in the nuts for hogging the remote?
If you have to ask if the sex was good... It wasn't.
It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered. 