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How long has it been since you were not fat? - a question you can not ask a job candidate, apparently 
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a pub.
Young lady, I'm old enough to be your dad's creepy high school friend with a pony tail who never married and works at the skating rink.
If you re-arrange the letters in "ugh" you get "hug". This is as good as it gets until the weed gets here people.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years
Don't forget to stay in your unfulfilling relationships today.
Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I wonder if the first man who said to a woman 'Just calm down' seriously expected that to happen.
How do I politely tell someone's too ugly for me to accept their FB friend request?
"You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
Arkansas is like a pretty bimbo who's a lousy lay. Nice to look at but not very stimulating.
Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? I doubt this is what our fallen solders of WWII fought so bravely to defeat the Nazi’s. On behalf of them I am sorry.
It sad how some losers are giving us a minute-by-minute update on Kanye & Kim wedding. If you were that important to them I am sure they would have sent you an invite.
Kim and Kanye get married. Who cares? Ain't nobody got time for that....
You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
First to stand, Last to fall. Face the danger, Kill 'em All
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
That moment when you wake up the next morning laying in bed next to the one you just fell in love with and you lay there trying to remember their name? GOD I MISS MY 20'S!
How much for the antidepressants? Ma'am those are puppies. 