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If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint. 
Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt: "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"
A midget fortuneteller escaped from prison. Police say there is a small medium at large.
Starbucks will provide free college education to thousands of employees. Unfortunately the diplomas will have their names misspelled.
I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.
America put men on the moon; we don’t care if we can put a ball in a net.
In hell, women are even more right.
This Facebook is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.
It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
It's not a mental breakdown if the police wasn't called.
I've given my couch the best years of my life
*Eats one piece of popcorn* *Gets 280 kernels stuck in teeth*
Am I the only one that thought Ghana would come out wearing their 2014 Miami Heat NBA Champions shirts?
It's not love if you're sober.
Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0
The new Star Wars movie will feature a fat robot to star alongside R2D2 & C3PO. He will be called OBCT!
Email, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
It ain't Ghana happen!! Go U.S.A!!!
I time travel every day, from yesterday to today. . .
Being white is a gift and a curse. No one suspects me of shoplifting but everyone expects me to know a good casserole recipe. 