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Leonardo DiCaprio cheering Orlando Bloom on as he was trying to punch Justin Bieber in the face is reason enough for me to like two of the three people named here. 
Justin Bieber aka "Douche Nizzel" says Miranda Kerr made him a man... I didn't know she was able to perform such a specialized operation on such a fragile looking little girl. Man do I hate "celebrities"!
*interrupts doctor* so, let's say I do wash these pills down with 8 beers.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Cavs agree to Love trade". Oh, so THAT'S how they can afford to pay both Lebron and Kyrie!
I don't know what the big deal is about this whole Love trade thing. Its nothing new! Isn't that the world's oldest profession?
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
You are dating 4 people simultaneously and you say you are in a relationship? No hoe, you are in an 0rgy.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.
Sometimes I hump my wife to Bon Jovi
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing
White girls who don't get naked when you're drunk.. Explain yourselves.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.
pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
If I get murdered at any given time...my chalk outline will be holding a beer. 