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Some people say I’m condescending, which of course means I look down on people. 
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Nice try Sonic but I'm sure that the dude in the commercial isn't really trying to impress the ladies
People who say stuff like "everyday is a new day" are also the same fools who say sh*t like "apples are fruits" and "women are humans"
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Jesus save. Passes to Moses. Off Mohammed. He shoots! He SCORES!
Happy International Men's Day!!!
I was washing my gum and my wife almost put cloths in with my gum !!!!!!! she almost ruined a whole pack !!!!! .........Gonna let it slide cause I love her
Oh and for all those polar bears are losing their homes because the earth is heating up people ..Tell the polar bears to bring their furry asses to Indiana they will feel right at home
If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you give them back to Mom and Dad.
Giant spider in my room last night and firefighters took half an hour, they obviously don't understand "emergency"!
What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.
Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.
My awesomeness z like an epiphany... It comes and goes, can never see it coming nor can you try to stop it.
The girl opposite me on the bus is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and say hello.
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if I could help her check her balance... so I pushed her over
My cat sucks at staring contests!
When you realize winter is still 5 week away!
Sneezing while taking a piss is only recommended when you're in a public toilet.
So...if Wal Mart can sell a TV for $100 the day after Thanksgiving when they're paying 500 employees to work, why can't they sell it for $90 today when there's only 8 employees in the whole store?? 