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Thank the powers that you're not here to smell that one. 
the new Star Wars trailer went online today & it's already a better movie than The Phantom Menace.
"What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"
Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.
"Don't take this the wrong way..." *doctor hands me a suppository
Drank two Monster Energy drinks,, and started my car by screaming at it... #boss
Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys
Which side of the plate does the phone go on?
Hey, women that wear any lipstick darker than red: No.
This year, I'm thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Orange is the new Black, so....Have a great Orange Friday
Pretty bad when your dog farts so loud he has the nerve to turn to see where the noise came from.
All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.
Black Friday shopping is unnecessary when you already did your shopping on looters Tuesday.
BLACK FRIDAY, when people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they already have
I was gonna stop flashing, but think I may stick it out, for a bit longer
Are you allowed in Starbucks if your computer is not a Mac? - asking for a white girl
Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy.
I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present
There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off 