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I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds. 
Throwback Thursday - A day to go fishing and not keep anything,
Look who's here! Psst.....hide the liquor.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
[wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things I asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy
Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
the day I stop drinking is the day johny walker stop walking
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
I don't know why people are so afraid of clowns. They're just murderers with make-up and a horn.
There's no I in TEAM but if you rearrange the letters you can spell MEAT and EAT M. See, I can turn anything you say into something dirty
Ever notice how the word "bed" looks like a bed?
I had Foo Fighters as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. So close...
destroying myself to fix you
Sorry I strangled you when I tried to untangle the Christmas lights.
How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.
ignore me and watch how fast you get cut off and stop existing to me.
Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.
REMEMBER: Fighting terrorists has no rules of engagement. Terrorists cannot be reasoned with. A good terrorist is a dead terrorist. End of story. 