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The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind. 
[My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....
"Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"
Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...
FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf
Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.
It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.
*Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"
"Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"
Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.
A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.
I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.
hello there, the angel from my nightmare.
If you cry all the time, you will save money on a tear drop tattoo.
Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.
My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.
I just read an article that Black Friday in Ferguson was a smash hit....
"Boy that Steve Buscemi is one fine looking fella" said no one ever
I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors 