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Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die 
The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.
whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
No thanks, contemporary Christmas music.
My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.
If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong
Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real
My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.
The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that”
A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide
90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.
Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.
Lesson learned.... Don't walk into a car dealership's service department and say 'I was told I need two shots of lube in my rear end'.... Awkward!!!
Dear nose-phobic as*holes who made fun of me when I was a kid. Over the years, I have made almost nine figures in royalties from my TV special - while YOU clowns were strapped to the hood of some dude's truck. Karma's a b*tch. Love, Rudolph
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift! 