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Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas. 
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car... I was gonna shave my car anyway.
*Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain
[job interview] it says here that one of your strengths is making snake sounds, is this true? “yesssssssssssssssss”
Never trust a woman who doesn’t fart. You don’t know what else she might be holding back.
Why? I'm telling you why !! If you little brats will shut up for 2 secs I'll tell you why you better not pout or cry
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.
I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned!
We are exactly one year away from the release of Star Wars VII. #isthatightsaberinyourpocket
I'm at that stage of not showering where you develop a sort of detached, clinical interest in how bad you smell and seeing how much worse it can getting.
One page of funnies a day is ruining my status as a comedian.
"Well, now I see how you cam up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.
I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night. 