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You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink. 
Herro? Time Warner????
Someday scientists are going to discover the center of the universe and a lot of people will be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
There will be no more need to worry about being on Santa's naughty list........Obama shut down the coal industry
If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away
Even North Korea has to wait on hold for hours to reach tech support in India
My wife said she wanted a clean, fresh start in the new year. Merry Christmas babe, here's your Hoover.
my mature level IS , I still giggle when singing about nuts in christmas carols
Poor North Korea, now they have to call Comcast to get their internet fixed.
Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...
I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.
The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.
North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.
Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.
I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....
I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.
Figures... On the day I wear white underwear too…..........
Someone is not a happy camper and should learn to appreciate how those guys are saving you the time to browse through twitter for the best jokes. 