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FACT: Jargon is lingo for slang 
It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over
Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury
Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions
if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer
my anaconda wants what the heart can't have
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.
a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
"I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow
Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
"You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."
"Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"
People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly
If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?
the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut 