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in a recent study 9 out of 10 Bros actually chose Hoes over each other. 
Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear
Went from fallin' in love to drunk and fallin' apart
DR: I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. ME: Was it *sniff* *sniff* because of not enough prayers on Facebook? DR: I'm afraid so sir.
The next person to tell me it's Pi day is going to die.
Of course I woke up happy.....Its Steak and a BJ day
I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
It would be a hoot if Hillary becomes president and then appoints Obama to the US Supreme Court
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Frogger taught me the importance of looking both ways before hopping across the road.
If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...
F**k me if I'm wrong, but do you want to kiss me?
Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.
How many singers have sung "The Wind Beneath My Wings" and the general public still doesn't understand it's the wind over your wings that gives you lift. Wind beneath your wings causes a stall. That changes the whole meaning of the song!
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
It’s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Friday the 13th might be an unlucky day, but when you live in the land of bacon, badasses and bald eagles, every day is a lucky day....... #America
If you can moonwalk, that better be the first thing I know about you. 