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You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace 
It would be a hoot if Hillary becomes president and then appoints Obama to the US Supreme Court
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Frogger taught me the importance of looking both ways before hopping across the road.
If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...
F**k me if I'm wrong, but do you want to kiss me?
Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.
How many singers have sung "The Wind Beneath My Wings" and the general public still doesn't understand it's the wind over your wings that gives you lift. Wind beneath your wings causes a stall. That changes the whole meaning of the song!
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
It’s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Friday the 13th might be an unlucky day, but when you live in the land of bacon, badasses and bald eagles, every day is a lucky day....... #America
If you can moonwalk, that better be the first thing I know about you.
I think Al Sharpton may just be the most underrated comedian of our time.
I wish I were an octopus so I could hug you, grab your ass, grope your boobies, play Playstation, and eat Pizza all at the same time.
Just saw a sign at the hospital. "Planned Parenting. Use Rear Door". I suppose that would work.
Anyone know why my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all fit in the same bottle, but to acheive the same thing, my wife needs 34 bottles? Anyone?
About time to head out to the back yard and start insulting my lawn so that it gets depressed enough to start cutting itself before June.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.
My kid will eat anything you put in front of him as long as its chicken nuggets. 