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I'd be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it. 
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I haven't done a taste test, but I'm pretty sure a bleached butthole tastes the same as a regular butthole.
How do YOU know your baby doesn't like my second hand smoke? It can't even talk yet.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I really worry about people who have Jesus as their pilot. I don't think they even had airplanes back then.
I'm at my most Oprah when I'm giving out the airplaine liquor bottles stashed in my purse to all the mom's at a kid's birthday party.
Being a lesbian sounds fun, you can get your nails painted while you scissor.
Every time I eat ribs it looks like there was a BBQkkake party on my face.
What do we want?!? GOOD DECISIONS!!!!! When do we want them?!? BEFORE LAST NIGHT!!!!
It doesn't matter how hard you thought out those vanity plates, bro. All any of us read is 'imma douche'
I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic
My Asian friend cannot believe I've never seen "Roarest Rump"
Some serious smack talk in the office today going on between Indian and Sri Lankan Cricket World Cup fans if anyone is wondering what its like working in IT during March Madness.
Today is national Happy Day. Off to the liquor store I go.
The KKK and Black Panthers are in line at Starbucks--Barista
She's all that and a bottle of vodka.
I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.
If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.
Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people. 