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Breaking news Roger Goodell has just given Aaron Hernandez a 2 game suspension. 
My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.
My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She’d better not expect a reference.
People who pronounce ASAP with the individual letters aren’t pronouncing it as soon as possible
The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.
A security staffer at Coachella put Justin Bieber in a chokehold. Fortunately, he's used to being overpowered by men from behind.
Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario, he spend hours a day updating Wikipedia.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
PETA will fight a thousands battles, but apparently the Flintstones taking a dump in a pelicans mouth is not one of them.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate rhyming. PENlS.
Former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez found guilty of 1st degree murder. Where he's going, I wonder if he'll stick with tight end or switch to receiver?
Based on the obnoxious, drunk girl laughter coming from the car in front of me at the drive-thru, pretty sure that guy gets laid tonight.
Relationship Status: Trying to get my cat to cooperate so I can make a Vine.
I parked next to a Prius today.... well, on top of one, but same thing.
Hernandez just found guilty ..he wont be getting 40 million for that tight end ever again ...
I love it when I open the dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat .
Its almost summer and you know what that means!!!!! Time to find a phone cord long enough to reach my front porch.
I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Most people are surprised to find out I am a grandmother, especially my daughters boyfriends. 