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Kanye West only accepted the role of Santa Claus after the director agreed to change the script so that the kids all asked him what he wanted for Christmas. 
My dad hasn't called with a computer problem in over 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.
"I bet you $50 I can come on the cab driver's neck before we get there" *Things to say on your phone in a taxi that will cut your drive time in half*
Take the name of your first pet and add the street that your first pet got ran over on to get your step father's Tinder name.
A couch potato sounds deliciouis but I'm not gettnig up to make it.
Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.
I'm starting to believe my toddler's loudest toys are powered by my favorite TV shows.
People are worried about global warming and social security when the real crisis is that we aren't far from eldery drivers knowing how to text.
Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.
Be careful who you bend over backwards for. Some people will just kick you in the nuts.
My daily goal is to change the world one status at a time. (Sigh) this is how single I am.
I can only Facebook for so long. The toilet seat makes my legs go numb.
My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about how childish I am but she didn't know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in
The only time your woman screams your nam ein bed is when you fart in your sleep.
Two year olds today can unlock an iphone, open and close apps all by themselves... When I was that age, I was eating dirt
Seeing eye Pit Bulls. They're for rough neighborhoods.
Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!
In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."
Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
Hey Baltimore, eat a Snickers. You get all Ferguson when you're hungry. 