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People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing 
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
If you would vote for Hillary Clinton, it's only obvious that you are in a long distance relationship with reality.
So it seems Serena Williams continues to live inside Maria Sharapova's head rent-free.
Bernie Sanders need to start drinking decaffeinated coffee.
Bernie, Bernie, oh Bernie Sanders....he's such an angry old man who needs his medication.
I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.
Look on the bright side, Hillary. Nelson Mandela did get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.
Anyone planning on watching Lucifer tonight? Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the new TV show on Fox, I'm talking about Hillary Clinton at the Democratic Town Hall debate on CNN.
I used to be f#cking stupid, but her and I broke up about 10 years ago. . .
FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.
My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.
I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.
The definition of Vegetarian is an Indian word for bad hunter. . .
wait till they get a load of me.. or is that from me.. I can never get that line right
You can stick your marshmallow world and stick it up your marshmallow ass.
I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day
I've dated a vegan and a vegetarian, and please believe me, they do put meat in their mouth...
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore
Where I come from, Decaffeinated means a cow who just had a calf. 