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it too late for the Dowager Countess of Grantham to run for President?? 
Don't worry Ted, if the whole Presidency thing doesn't work for you perhaps you should try to become the Prime Minister of Canada.
Bristol Palin is not amused with Tina Fey's impression of her mother, Sarah Palin. Perhaps it's was Sarah Palin doing an impression on Tina Fey. No one ever thinks about that.
I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
[dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...
[working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
[Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.
Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?
Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.
Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.
I started a Hotcake business but they aren’t selling. FML.
I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.
Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???
Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.
Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix* 