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A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you at Golde 
Just the thought of you slurping down noodles really rustles my jimmy....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the club last night. I'm practically Jesus now.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying beer and a ton of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 turned out for him.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an a$$ tattoo tomorrow.
We are going to have a bake sale and the proceeds will go towards the abortion.
He held my hair back for me while I vomited in my driveway last night and I repaid him by farting mid-heave. He's a keeper!!!
I think after this Saturday night I'll be 85% lesbian.
You know your life has gone downhill when a friend reminds you tonight to not get locked in a porta-potty again.
The fact that the praying hands are in the top emoji's pretty sums up everyone's 2016 so far.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Kanye West: My genitals smell like fire and I cannot find my pants.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Kanye West in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Tell me again why we have to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents house playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex Mix is not how I planned on starting my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Has your credid card ever been frozen due to suspicious behaviour? "Let's go over your recent transaction history...it seems like you have been to a lot of bars lately." F*ck, don't judge my Monday nights.... 