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A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!! 
Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."
Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
They should totally turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.
Brexit, is a British expression. Translated into American, Brexit means "Money exiting my 401k."
Trying to convince myself peanut M&M's and red wine is an acceptable snack because together, they have the same ingredients as trail-mix.
Iceland knocked out Britain out of Euro 2016 soccer. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Brexit last Thursday.
Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.
Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning
The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.
Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.
Visit Britain because it's finally sorta affordable.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends
Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.
Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side
.... Everyone has that one person in their life that is lucky to be alive and is only still breathing because you can't afford a hit-man ...
Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest
Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne? 