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Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling. 
Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Don't know if dogs get how cool they look in sunglasses.
Finally told my parents their neighbor of 20 years has always been an openly gay man.
I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.
I wore some of those khaki shorts with tiny lobsters all over them and my credit score went up 30 points.
When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.
Pro Tip: Possums, wheither really dead or faking it, make great pillows for camping.
If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.
Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.
Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom.
New study suggests eating pasta does not promote weight gain. However, not stopping, just might.
It's cute how you tell people you're broke they think you mean financially and not emotionally.
Just how can these folks afford to buy all of these weapons and ammunition while on Welfare and Food Stamps anyways? Last I checked those items really don't qualify for Food Stamp Purchases.
Its true what they say about never meeting your heroes. Just ask anyone who's ever met me.
LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.
Ok, This ridiculous Pokémon craze is getting out of control, but if you ladies insist on playing, I have a giant Pokémon in my pants. His name is Squirtle... 