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I'm trying to master the art of eating a powdered doughnut, without looking like I just got back from the White House 
I've beaten my addiction to Heroin, so Yay for eating soup with spoons again
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Boomers. A generation of hypocrites who were anti-money and anti-government in their hippie days, but became the exact opposite when they got older.
I’ve decided to raise my kids gender neutral. Not because I’m embracing any LGBTLMNOP agenda but more because I like buying stuff on sale.
Women to say one thing, but think something different. Don’t believe me? Women say Lizzo is amazing. Tell a woman she looks like Lizzo to see what she really thinks.
My Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty Pay.
I just vacuumed up a nickel and it sounded like the crescendo from Ride of The Valkyries.
If I got a haircut and didn't post the selfie on social media, did I really get a haircut?
I love my women like I love my Ikea furniture, cheap and missing a couple screws
Hotels are keeping the shower cap industry afloat.
Just once I want to see a highway raised by its loving biological parents.
Wife asked me if I wanted to play Cornhole? I said inside or outside? She just turned and walked away.
Live everyday as though its your last........ and one day, you'll be right.
Parents who name their kids after celebrities from their youth are evil to date their children like that. Sincerely, Ringo Jagger
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I don't wanna Rock and Roll all night anymore. An hour is fine. Two tops.
I am going to change the name of my ipod to "The Ship." That way when I plug it into the computer, it says, "The Ship is syncing." 