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Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset...... 
Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......
"I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."
I wonder how long buffoons like Spicer and Kellyanne would last on the Apprentice?
I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.
Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?
Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600
I was on the shopping network. corrections FoxNews. When did the WhiteHouse becomes QVC?
Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
I found a way to lower my bills - I quit paying them.
uh excuse me, I'm just here looking for the Democratic Restroom.
I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.
'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.
Dear Activision, how about you come out with Call of Duty - Black Ops STOP! Sincerely, Everyone. 